Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Drs. and Boobs

I have a Doctor’s visit story inspired by Lexophile’s contest for the StarBucksaholic traveling thong. Go check out her site.

GUY ALERT: FEMALE STORY!!!!!!

Actually my doctor’s visit story is about several visits.

I decide that its time for the yearly boob squeeze appointment.

I set it up and the standard Arctic cold equipment has been newly frozen for me. I get into the position and have one, and then the other of the boobs squished in several different ways. I wait for the initial results and lo and behold they want to offer new ways to torture a boob. A suspicious spot was found in one breast and they wanted to take a new picture.

I go back in and note that the equipment has been refrozen and now has an attachment. LOOK a castle with turrets, just for me. You want me to put my boob on that thing????? Yup, they did. I had to stand on tippy toes to impale the boob on the scary castle thingy and then proceed for new squishy stuff. Tippy toe squishy stuff is not fun.

The results come back. They want to do a biopsy.

I make the appointment. The very nice doctor enters the room and the breast consultant is there to hold my hand. That’s what breast consultants do, they hold your hand. I'm not really a hand holding, with a strange, unknown woman type of person; but, I guess the breast consultant needed reassurance.

A nurse assisted the doctor.

Think, this a very little room. Maybe there are two too many people in this room. Me and whoever else.

Doctor explains that he is going to insert a probe needle and when he finds the lump, I will hear a little click. That means he has collected a sample.

He then proceeds to look for said lump for the next two hours in what should have been a twenty minute procedure. He finally collects the sample.

The little click sounded more like a mouse trap being set off. I looked the doctor straight in the eye and said, “That was no click; that was a mouse trap.”

The doctor, "I never quite thought of it like that."

I got dressed again and they gave me an ice pack. An ice pack about the size of a quarter. I laughed. That’s like using a grain of sand to build a mansion.

I went home and got out one of the kid’s lunch box Oreo cookie shaped freezer packs. I ended up using two of them.

I call it my two Oreo cookie boob job.

P.S. Everything was fine in the biopsy.

4 comments:

Undomestic Diva said...

Don't scare me like that. Damn it.

(Glad, obviously, that everything was OK.)

~ Megan

Hi! I'm Kim said...

Thank God you're okay. However, stories like that are not exactly inspiring me to make my first appointment. Will you come hold my hand?

PS I posted about boobs too. Must be something in the air.

Anonymous said...

you're funny. i'm in jersey, formerly being in t. louis not more than two months ago. i miss the wide open spaces. and beauty. and smooth streets. too many potholes here.
i'm slowly getting used to here. not like i was a major midwest girl, just that that is where all my friends are and i miss them. i'm also a mom.

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